He Held Me So Tightly

Two nights ago, I had a dream. I know you just read the title of this blog and now the first line, and maybe you’re afraid to keep reading. But, have no fear, the dream is rated G.

Before I delve into the dream, allow me to give you a very short explanation of me and my dad. He left my mom when I was three. Prior to that he was not home much, pursuing college, career, and evidently a few women. I say that without any malice in my heart. He wasn’t a Christian and as a friend of mine says, “Sinners sin.”

I saw my dad three more times before I saw him lying peacefully in his casket. I will not make you relive those brief memories. Just suffice it to say, I did not know my daddy. As a young girl, I remember thinking of him in some sort of fairy tale way, hoping one day he would come riding home on a white horse and would be better than any of the dads I had ever known. As I grew older, the fairy tale gave way to reality. I thought less and less of him, meaning he just didn’t cross my mind much. To explain, you don’t miss what you never had. Though he was never part of my life, I still loved him. That’s possible. You can love deeply those you never knew.

So, when I dreamed about him this week, I was so surprised. I have never dreamed of him in my life, ever. I’m over 50 years old and he passed away over 30 years ago. The dream felt different than most and I knew when I woke up that God was showing me something.

Here’s the dream:

I was standing in a park that bordered a large lake. There were a few piers going out into the lake. On one of them, I saw my dad with about 4 or 5 children surrounding him. He was smiling and showing them things in nature, I presumed. He was pointing to the woods, the sky, and water. The children were interested and he was enjoying himself.

I stood on the shore, a good distance away, and longed for him. The excitement and trepidation in my heart were palpable. The feelings were a mixed bag, but overwhelmingly giddy. Every cell in my body, except the ones without courage, wanted to run to him and be loved. The scared cells unfortunately controlled my legs and I stood there, paralyzed.

My thrill woke me from this dream. As I laid there I thought how wonderful it was to dream of him. I fell back to sleep hoping to continue this great reunion and amazingly, I did.

This time as I stood staring at my dad, I was aware that this was a dream. And because I was dreaming, my mind was perplexed because it didn’t know how to “produce” dad in a way that was true, because my mind had no point of reference. As I stood on the shore, I couldn’t make my dream progress, because I didn’t know if my dad would recognize me or remember me. I mean, the age of three was many moons ago. I’ve changed a lot.

Furthermore, I didn’t know what dad would say, when he did see and recognize me. I didn’t know his personality, so his response to me was a mystery. I didn’t even know the sound of his voice, so I couldn’t produce that either, even if I knew what he might say. It was so frustrating and my cowardice was growing. I knew he would welcome me, but I just didn’t know how.

So, like dreams can do and mornings can’t explain, I skipped all the introductions and the next scene was me being held with my face buried into his chest and feeling all the weight of my world melting away. All I remember was thinking that this is what I had needed all my life. The feeling that I was safer than I had ever been. I was being wrapped in an unearned love that would never find me wanting again. It was heavenly.

I woke up the next morning and could only long for more and wonder what all that was about. I drank my morning java and asked the Lord.

The Dream’s Meaning

Here is what I believe the Lord was showing me in a nutshell. There are always hidden gems when God is showing us things, so I pray you find some too.

I believe my dad represented God, the Father, to me. As I stood watching him interact with others, more innocent and fun than me, my longing was so intensified. I saw his true love and joy. He was immersed in the moment. I wanted to be in the center of all that.

My fears revealed

My fear was that He wouldn’t know me. Now, I am a Christian and have been a child of His for a long time. But, honestly, I have to say that I stood on the shore and thought, how humiliating it would be to have to introduce myself. I never feared that He would reject me or deny that I was his child. But I couldn’t bear the feeling of needing someone to tell my own Father, who I was.

“Can a woman forget her nursing child, or lack compassion for the son of her womb? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!

Isaiah 49:15

Fear comes from satan. Even in this dream, he spoke that “God” probably wouldn’t know me. “Don’t approach Him. He will humiliate you. You aren’t worthy.”

Now, the lies never spoke that I wasn’t his child. I knew I was. The lies said He wouldn’t have time for me. The whole interaction would be awkward because I wouldn’t even be on His radar; just an interruption to a delightful day.

Again, I did not think that my Father would send me away, but I was so scared that He would have to hear a bunch of evidence to convince him that his youngest daughter stood in front of him. This speaks of my fear that I might not be considered special to God. In all the multitudes that have and do serve Him, why would Suellyn mean anything to Him? Have you ever been introduced to someone noteworthy, and they don’t seem to make any connection to you until a friend mentions a relative or friend of yours? “This is Johnny Nelson’s daughter.” Then the smiles and handshakes begin. You’re in. This was what I felt I needed. Somebody needed to speak up for me.

Of course, I didn’t know exactly what He would say, because God can not be predicted. We know He loves, but what great words would he speak to me? I couldn’t even imagine.

His voice? Well, that is a mystery as well. Ezekiel described it as “many waters” (Ezekial 43:2). John said it was “thunder” (Revelation 19:6). Elijah heard the whole gamut and declared it was a “still, small voice” (1 Kings 19:12). In my dream, I didn’t try the options. He just never spoke.

I also never saw his face. Even from the shore, I could only see the side of his face. I knew there was a smile, but I never looked into his eyes. This is another reason I believe he represented God. I completely adored this being that was unseen, unheard, and never spoke.

The last picture is me, with my whole being clinging to Him. He held me so tightly that I never felt the rush to let go or get myself together and be presentable. I belonged to Him and He was as happy as I was to be there in that moment. There was no else on that lake. There was no where else He needed to be. There was no line behind me waiting for their turn in His arms. I relaxed in a way impossible in this world. There were no words, because none were needed. I was held. Held until all was well.

I share this pretty personal dream because it has blessed me. Maybe you are like me. You might not even realize it. I didn’t. Stop for a moment and imagine this meeting. What is God saying to you? When we enter heaven, we all imagine that we will grovel at the throne and offer all our crowns back to Him. No doubt about that. But think about this: Imagine meeting God at the park. Is your heart beating wildly? Honestly, all my imaginations never went like my dream.

My encouragement to you

If you are a child of God, a follower of Christ, let this wash over you. He knows your name. He recognizes your face. No one will have to remind him of who you are or convince Him that you are “worth” time spent. His words will not chastise you or speak words of regret over your life. He knows you. And He delights in you stronger than you delight in Him.

“…Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; You are mine.”

Isaiah 43:1

What are you carrying? What makes you feel lacking? Is there something that makes you feel unworthy or unknown? Do you look at others and inferiority lies keep you from stretching out your soul to a loving Father? I had no idea, that these feelings would keep me on the shore instead of running into the arms of my Daddy. If you had asked me, I would have never confessed these unknown insecurities, but He knew.

“Behold, what manner of love the Father has given us, that we should be called children of God.”

1 John 3:1

He loves you. He loves me. Drop the baggage. Pull down the mask. You don’t need the perfect words or anyone to make your case. He knows you. Take off running for the embrace. He will hold you so tight, you’ll feel like you’re dreaming.